3 men who...

I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Actually who am I kidding I dont sometimes wonder. This plagues me every single day of my life. The truth is i am 27 and i have never been in a real relationship. The closet thing ive got to it is an eff buddy for the past 4 1/2 years, which further shows that no man wants to be in a relationship with me.
I know i hold a lot of grudges, i know im really opiniated. I know i sound just like a bitch, and honestly i wish i could change. Im not sure what my problem is? There are 3 people that have gotten to me. 1 shattered me when i was 18 (which i think started the inevitable "lets be friends, cause you dont want me any other way, and i will take what i can get) the second i met 4 1/2 years ago, he is the only person who ever told me i was beautiful, i really do love him. I know that sounds fucked up, but what we have in my bedroom, is irreplaceable, if its one sided its one sided and i dont want to know otherwise. The 3rd....hmmm this one is tricky. The third is someone with who literally the second i met him i turned to my coworker and said that is the hottest person i have ever seen. Over time and and extremely large amounts of random meetings in bars all over. we hung out:
It was the day before new years, i was housesitting my parents house and invited him an his cousins over. Mystery man and i stayed up til the sun came out, sitting there talking. (we may have been drunk off our asses) but the one thing i remember is him challenging me. At the time i was working in a bar, and he looked straight at me and said yeah but you dont want to do that forever. I remember being inspired. Anyways we slept in the same bed, but i was so nervous i just rolled over and prayed to fall asleep fast. There was the window and i missed it completely, instead hitting the wall next to it ending up bruised and embarrassed. In the back of my mind though, i know exactly what it was...he is wayy to good for me, he can get any girl, why would he go after me? He can do so much better.
So there you have it: 1 broke my heart - 1 breaks my heart daily the last one - doesnt even know and will never be given a chance to break my heart.
Oh well...maybe tomorrow will be better. Im looking optomistic.

I hate when i let him get to me. I hate that I care for him so much. I hate that he has suddenly started treating me with his form of respect, which i dont think i can handle. I am used to his very predictable asshole-ness. I hate that i want him around more and more, i hate that I care enough to make me write a fucking blog about it. 4 1/2 years later, i thought i finally had gotten over everything, gotten used to the whole fuck buddy thing. And i am!! No one understands it except me and him, and im doing something i havent allowed myself to do in 3 years...start to have wishful thinking again. Like normally if i text him 5 out of 10 times he doesnt respond back. and he definitely doesnt respond when he doesnt plan on coming over. but now he is? like i asked him to come over cause i had the place all to myself, and instead of a yes or no response, he sends me a text telling me fuck i wish, im so sorry but its my friends birthday. I would be there if i could. THen I text him today and he doesnt reply back and i just figured i wouldnt hear from him til he wanted to come over, then he calls me to tell me hes sorry for not getting back to earlier, but he was working and...the thing is, i dont want him to become human. does that make sense? HE CANT BECOME HUMAN TO ME. if he does than i wont be strong enough to let him leave. Right now our relationship is fine, i love him, i really do, but i love the person he is in my bedroom. I love what we have in there, i love who he makes me be, i love how he makes me feel, but i can not allow myself to feel anything more for him, i cant think about what he does who the person he is outside of my room. Because that makes him human. That makes him a person who doesnt want me outside of my room. i know this seems wierd, but the more i dont know about him the less it will hurt. I wish he would stop being a nice guy, and treating me with respect, cause i know he doesnt mean it, he means it, but not the way i take it, i take it to a whole new level and he is just saying it to get into my pants and to tell me what i want to hear only when he wants to say it.