I sometimes wonder what is wrong with me. Actually who am I kidding I dont sometimes wonder. This plagues me every single day of my life. The truth is i am 27 and i have never been in a real relationship. The closet thing ive got to it is an eff buddy for the past 4 1/2 years, which further shows that no man wants to be in a relationship with me.
I know i hold a lot of grudges, i know im really opiniated. I know i sound just like a bitch, and honestly i wish i could change. Im not sure what my problem is? There are 3 people that have gotten to me. 1 shattered me when i was 18 (which i think started the inevitable "lets be friends, cause you dont want me any other way, and i will take what i can get) the second i met 4 1/2 years ago, he is the only person who ever told me i was beautiful, i really do love him. I know that sounds fucked up, but what we have in my bedroom, is irreplaceable, if its one sided its one sided and i dont want to know otherwise. The 3rd....hmmm this one is tricky. The third is someone with who literally the second i met him i turned to my coworker and said that is the hottest person i have ever seen. Over time and and extremely large amounts of random meetings in bars all over. we hung out:
It was the day before new years, i was housesitting my parents house and invited him an his cousins over. Mystery man and i stayed up til the sun came out, sitting there talking. (we may have been drunk off our asses) but the one thing i remember is him challenging me. At the time i was working in a bar, and he looked straight at me and said yeah but you dont want to do that forever. I remember being inspired. Anyways we slept in the same bed, but i was so nervous i just rolled over and prayed to fall asleep fast. There was the window and i missed it completely, instead hitting the wall next to it ending up bruised and embarrassed. In the back of my mind though, i know exactly what it was...he is wayy to good for me, he can get any girl, why would he go after me? He can do so much better.
So there you have it: 1 broke my heart - 1 breaks my heart daily the last one - doesnt even know and will never be given a chance to break my heart.
Oh well...maybe tomorrow will be better. Im looking optomistic.
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