I hate when i let him get to me. I hate that I care for him so much. I hate that he has suddenly started treating me with his form of respect, which i dont think i can handle. I am used to his very predictable asshole-ness. I hate that i want him around more and more, i hate that I care enough to make me write a fucking blog about it. 4 1/2 years later, i thought i finally had gotten over everything, gotten used to the whole fuck buddy thing. And i am!! No one understands it except me and him, and im doing something i havent allowed myself to do in 3 years...start to have wishful thinking again. Like normally if i text him 5 out of 10 times he doesnt respond back. and he definitely doesnt respond when he doesnt plan on coming over. but now he is? like i asked him to come over cause i had the place all to myself, and instead of a yes or no response, he sends me a text telling me fuck i wish, im so sorry but its my friends birthday. I would be there if i could. THen I text him today and he doesnt reply back and i just figured i wouldnt hear from him til he wanted to come over, then he calls me to tell me hes sorry for not getting back to earlier, but he was working and...the thing is, i dont want him to become human. does that make sense? HE CANT BECOME HUMAN TO ME. if he does than i wont be strong enough to let him leave. Right now our relationship is fine, i love him, i really do, but i love the person he is in my bedroom. I love what we have in there, i love who he makes me be, i love how he makes me feel, but i can not allow myself to feel anything more for him, i cant think about what he does who the person he is outside of my room. Because that makes him human. That makes him a person who doesnt want me outside of my room. i know this seems wierd, but the more i dont know about him the less it will hurt. I wish he would stop being a nice guy, and treating me with respect, cause i know he doesnt mean it, he means it, but not the way i take it, i take it to a whole new level and he is just saying it to get into my pants and to tell me what i want to hear only when he wants to say it.